From 6c7f055505abd83c8ce1230455e4034293f93f98 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Hannah Isopod <me@bathynomus.xyz>
Date: Wed, 11 Jun 2025 04:43:23 -0600
Subject: Move site title and random caption from landing page body to header

---
 index.php | 193 +-------------------------------------------------------------
 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+), 192 deletions(-)

(limited to 'index.php')

diff --git a/index.php b/index.php
index 42b6ff1..8b0f875 100644
--- a/index.php
+++ b/index.php
@@ -140,204 +140,13 @@
     <?php
       include($_SERVER['DOCUMENT_ROOT'] . '/common.php');
       include($_SERVER['DOCUMENT_ROOT'] . '/seasonal.php');
-      if(!preg_match('/(headless.*)/i', $_SERVER['HTTP_USER_AGENT'])) {
-        $captions = array();
-        $seasonal = false;
-        switch(date('m')) { 
-          case 6:
-            $captions = array(
-              'your gay',
-              'the fuck is a gender',
-              'trnasgener',
-              'This site uses $_GAY_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT',
-              'Supports LGBT!',
-              'Banned in Florida!',
-              'Are you cis or are you normal'
-            );
-            $seasonal = true;
-            break;
-          case 10:
-            $captions = array(
-              'Boo!',
-              'Happy Halloween!',
-              'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th spookiest website',
-              '$spooky_captions[array_rand($spooky_captions)]',
-              'I thought I\'d be able to come up with more Halloween captions to be honest',
-              'It\'s the Spooky Month&trade;!',
-              'I vant to suck your blood! Just kidding... Unless...?',
-              'This site uses $_HALLOWEEN_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT'
-            );
-            $seasonal = true;
-            break;
-          case 12:
-            $captions = array(
-              'hoe hoe hoe or some shit',
-              'Happy Holidays!',
-              'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th most festive website',
-              'Like half of these captions are just lifted wholesale from the Halloween ones',
-              '$festive_captions[array_rand($festive_captions)]',
-              'Merry Capitalism!',
-              'It\'s winter! Nothing else special about this time of year, no siree!',
-              'This site uses $_CHRISTMAS_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT... I guess that would just be normal cookies, huh?',
-              'Pretend I put Mariah Carey on autoplay here',
-              'MERRY SHITSCRAM',
-              'Merry consumerism!',
-              'Do people eat turkey on Christmas? Is that, like, a thing?',
-              'christmas isn\'t real'
-            );
-            $seasonal = true;
-            break;
-          default:
-            $captions = array(
-              'bruh moment',
-              'Try reloading!',
-              'Supports VPNs',
-              'I use arch btw',
-              'Stream deep twisty',
-              'MySite.html',
-              'Over Construction',
-              'Real isopod hours',
-              'Version 3.1: The Accent Borders Update',
-              'Version 3.1: The Tables Don\'t Look Like Shit Anymore Update',
-              'depytwisty',
-              '[object Object]',
-              '* You found the [Moss]!',
-              'Minceraft',
-              'Best viewed with Firefox',
-              'Isopod gaming',
-              'Website of some girl',
-              'your mom',
-              'Badly programmed',
-              'Oh, you know ;)',
-              'gamer (terminal)',
-              'This is not a place of honor',
-              'I can type interrobangs, watch‽',
-              'ඞ',
-              '127.0.0.1',
-              'assholes DNI',
-              'swag',
-              '\'\'',
-              '$captions[array_rand($captions)]',
-              'NFT bros don\'t FUCKING interact',
-              '<span class="minecraftsplash">Kind of dragon free!</span>',
-              'This site uses cookies (chocolate chip)',
-              'Now with reduced centralization!',
-              'your gay',
-              'the fuck is a gender',
-              'The Only Website',
-              '𝓘𝓷𝓪𝓬𝓬𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓫𝓵𝓮!',
-              'Follow me on Google+!',
-              '404: caption not found',
-              'Web π compliant!',
-              'If you\'re seeing this, something is seriously wrong.',
-              'cringe',
-              'don\'t smoke cigarettes kids they\'ll make your lungs sus',
-              'real life isopod',
-              'holy fucking bingle',
-              'AI (Aquatic Isopod) generated',
-              'crubge',
-              'Only unpickle data you trust.',
-              'Tested in prod!',
-              'pwetty epic B)',
-              'Known to the state of California to cause cancer',
-              'Semi-modular!',
-              'Did you know?',
-              'shrimps is bugs',
-              'Delicious!',
-              'trnasgener',
-              'Opinionated!',
-              'Eurorack compatible!',
-              'Hackable!',
-              'HiDPI!',
-              '&amp;mdash; addict',
-              '3D printed!',
-              'Federated!',
-              'Chitinous!',
-              'is this a bedbuge?',
-              'is this buge trans gener?',
-              'Now in HD!',
-              'Hard Disk Drive!',
-              '"Tablet or smartphone device"',
-              'Free Palestine!',
-              'COUNTER',
-              'TUEADAY',
-              'PLACEHIM',
-              'UPSIDEDOWN',
-              'RGB',
-              'BLAHAJ',
-              '@BEAT',
-              'HALO',
-              'LIKECARPET'
-            );
-            break;
-        }
-        $cap = $captions[array_rand($captions)];
-        if($_GET['caption']) {
-          $cap = $captions[$_GET['caption']];
-        }
-        $tit = $cap;
-        if(!$seasonal) {
-          switch($cap) {
-            case 'COUNTER':
-              $num = (int) filter_var(file_get_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt"), FILTER_SANITIZE_NUMBER_INT);
-              $num++;
-              file_put_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt", $num);
-              $cap = "This caption has been viewed $num times!";
-              $tit = "This title has been viewed $num times!";
-              break;
-            case 'TUEADAY':
-              $day = array("suday", "moday", "tueaday", "weaday", "thuday", "friaday", "satuaday")[date('w')];
-              $cap = "wait it's fucking $day. god.";
-              $tit = $cap;
-              echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('/old/1/images/$day.png');}</style>";
-              break;
-            case 'PLACEHIM':
-              $cap = 'place him on your site immediately';
-              $tit = $cap;
-              echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('images/place_him.png');}</style>";
-              break;
-            case 'BLAHAJ':
-              $cap = '<img id="blahaj" src="images/blahaj.png"> <a href="https://berrymot.github.io/">certified</a> Good Website by blåhaj';
-              $tit = "certified Good Website by blåhaj";
-              echo "<style type='text/css'>#blahaj { animation: spin 5s linear infinite; height: 1em; } @keyframes spin { from { transform: rotate(0deg); } to { transform: rotate(360deg); } } @media (prefers-reduced-motion) { #blahaj { animation: none; } }</style>";
-              break;
-            case 'Kind of dragon free!':
-              $cap = '<span class="minecraftsplash">Kind of dragon free!</span>';
-              break;
-            case 'UPSIDEDOWN':
-              $cap = '<span class="flipped">Upside Down!</span>';
-              $tit = '¡uʍop ǝpısdn';
-              break;
-            case 'RGB':
-              $cap = '<span class="rainbowtext">RGB Gaming Webpage</span>';
-              $tit = 'RGB Gaming Webpage';
-              break;
-            case '@BEAT':
-              $cap = '<a href="/stuff/beat/">@'.date("B").'</a>';
-              $tit = '@'.date("B");
-              break;
-            case 'HALO':
-              $cap = '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N14uA0EhBAU">coke and fries halo</a>';
-              $tit = 'coke and fries halo';
-              break;
-            case 'LIKECARPET':
-              $cap = 'Check it out, I\'m in the <span class="house">house</span> like carpet';
-              $tit = 'Check it out, I\'m in the house like carpet';
-              break;
-          }
-        }
-      }
     ?>
-    <title><?php if($tit) { echo "isopod.cool v3 - $tit"; } else { echo "isopod.cool v3"; } ?></title>
+    <title>isopod.cool v3</title>
     <meta name="description" content="real life isopod">
   </head>
   <body>
   <?php include('nav.php'); bg(true, 11, "Pictured: The eponymous Deep Twisty"); ?>
     <main>
-      <div>
-        <h1 style="margin-top: 0;">isopod dot cool<sup>v3.1</sup></h1>
-        <h2 id="caption"><?php echo $cap; ?></h2>
-      </div>
       <?php
         $username = "niceopod"; // Your username here!
         $ch = curl_init("https://status.cafe/users/$username/status.json");
-- 
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