path: root/index.php

<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="en">
  <head>
    <meta charset="utf-8">
    <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1">
    <link href="style.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" media="all">
    <style>
      body {
        margin-top: 0;
        margin-bottom: 0;
      }

      main {
        height: 100%;
        display: flex;
        flex-direction: column;
        justify-content: center;
        align-items: center;
      }
      main > :is(div, nav) {
        width: 100%;
      }

      #webrings > div {
        margin: var(--stdpadding);
      }
      #webrings div :is(a, span) {
        padding: initial;
        margin: initial;
        background: none;
        border-left: none;
      }

      #guys {
        position: fixed;
        bottom: 0;
        left: 3rem;
        font-size: 0;
      }
      #guys > * {
        margin-right: var(--stdpadding);
      }
      #bubblecolumn {
        position: fixed;
        right: 7%;
        top: 0;
        width: 29px;
        height: 100%;
        background-image: url(images/bubblecolumn1.gif);
        background-repeat: repeat-y;
        pointer-events: none;
      }
      #bucketfish, .bflink {
        --red: #ffcaca;
        --orange: #ffedc1;
        --yellow: #feffb8;
        --green: #c4ffcb;
        --blue: #add8ff;
        --purple: #ccafe9;
        --darkgreen: #3E885B;
        --darkblue: #7fb4f5;
        --background: #454545;
        --rainbowright: linear-gradient(to right, var(--red) 0%, var(--orange) 20%, var(--yellow) 40%, var(--green) 60%, var(--blue) 80%,  var(--purple) 100%);

        color: var(--purple);
        display: inline-block;
        position: relative;
        text-decoration: none;
        transition: linear .2s;
      }
      #bucketfish:before, .bflink:before {
        background: var(--rainbowright);
        content: '';
        height: 2px;
        position: absolute;
        bottom: -1.5px;
        width: 100%;
        left: 50%;
        transform: translateX(-50%);
        transition: width 0.2s ease-in-out;
      }
      .bflink:hover {
        color: var(--purple);
      }
      #bucketfish:hover:before, .bflink:hover:before {
        width: 0;
      }
      #bucketfish span {
        animation-delay: var(--n);
        animation: wave 1.5s linear var(--n) infinite forwards running, rainbow 3s linear var(--n) infinite forwards running;
        position: relative;
      }

      @media (prefers-reduced-motion) {
        #bubblecolumn {
          display: none;
        }
        #bucketfish span {
          animation: none;
        }
      }
      @media only screen and (hover: none) {
        #rightsidebg {
          box-shadow: none;
        }
        main {
          justify-content: initial;
          height: initial;
        }
        #guys {
          position: initial;
          bottom: initial;
          left: initial;
        }
        body {
          display: flex;
          flex-direction: column;
          justify-content: space-between;
        }
      }

      @keyframes wave{
        0%    {top: 0px;}
        25%   {top: -1px;}
        50%   {top: 0px;}
        75%  {top: 1px;}
        100% {top: 0px;}
      }

      @keyframes rainbow{
        0% {color: var(--red);}
        17% {color: var(--orange);}
        33% {color: var(--yellow);}
        50% {color: var(--green);}
        67% {color: var(--blue);}
        83% {color: var(--purple);}
        100% {color: var(--red);}
      }
    </style>
    <?php
      include($_SERVER['DOCUMENT_ROOT'] . '/common.php');
      include($_SERVER['DOCUMENT_ROOT'] . '/seasonal.php');
      if(!preg_match('/(headless.*)/i', $_SERVER['HTTP_USER_AGENT'])) {
        $captions = array();
        $seasonal = false;
        switch(date('m')) { 
          case 6:
            $captions = array(
              'your gay',
              'the fuck is a gender',
              'trnasgener',
              'This site uses $_GAY_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT',
              'Supports LGBT!',
              'Banned in Florida!',
              'Are you cis or are you normal'
            );
            $seasonal = true;
            break;
          case 10:
            $captions = array(
              'Boo!',
              'Happy Halloween!',
              'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th spookiest website',
              '$spooky_captions[array_rand($spooky_captions)]',
              'I thought I\'d be able to come up with more Halloween captions to be honest',
              'It\'s the Spooky Month&trade;!',
              'I vant to suck your blood! Just kidding... Unless...?',
              'This site uses $_HALLOWEEN_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT'
            );
            $seasonal = true;
            break;
          case 12:
            $captions = array(
              'hoe hoe hoe or some shit',
              'Happy Holidays!',
              'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th most festive website',
              'Like half of these captions are just lifted wholesale from the Halloween ones',
              '$festive_captions[array_rand($festive_captions)]',
              'Merry Capitalism!',
              'It\'s winter! Nothing else special about this time of year, no siree!',
              'This site uses $_CHRISTMAS_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT... I guess that would just be normal cookies, huh?',
              'Pretend I put Mariah Carey on autoplay here',
              'MERRY SHITSCRAM',
              'Merry consumerism!',
              'Do people eat turkey on Christmas? Is that, like, a thing?',
              'christmas isn\'t real'
            );
            $seasonal = true;
            break;
          default:
            $captions = array(
              'bruh moment',
              'Try reloading!',
              'Supports VPNs',
              'I use arch btw',
              'Stream deep twisty',
              'MySite.html',
              'Over Construction',
              'Real isopod hours',
              'Version 3.1: The Accent Borders Update',
              'Version 3.1: The Tables Don\'t Look Like Shit Anymore Update',
              'depytwisty',
              '[object Object]',
              '* You found the [Moss]!',
              'Minceraft',
              'Best viewed with Firefox',
              'Isopod gaming',
              'Website of some girl',
              'your mom',
              'Badly programmed',
              'Oh, you know ;)',
              'gamer (terminal)',
              'This is not a place of honor',
              'I can type interrobangs, watch‽',
              'ඞ',
              '127.0.0.1',
              'assholes DNI',
              'swag',
              '\'\'',
              '$captions[array_rand($captions)]',
              'NFT bros don\'t FUCKING interact',
              '<span class="minecraftsplash">Kind of dragon free!</span>',
              'This site uses cookies (chocolate chip)',
              'Now with reduced centralization!',
              'your gay',
              'the fuck is a gender',
              'The Only Website',
              '𝓘𝓷𝓪𝓬𝓬𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓫𝓵𝓮!',
              'Follow me on Google+!',
              '404: caption not found',
              'Web π compliant!',
              'If you\'re seeing this, something is seriously wrong.',
              'cringe',
              'don\'t smoke cigarettes kids they\'ll make your lungs sus',
              'real life isopod',
              'holy fucking bingle',
              'AI (Aquatic Isopod) generated',
              'crubge',
              'Only unpickle data you trust.',
              'Tested in prod!',
              'pwetty epic B)',
              'Known to the state of California to cause cancer',
              'Semi-modular!',
              'Did you know?',
              'shrimps is bugs',
              'Delicious!',
              'trnasgener',
              'Opinionated!',
              'Eurorack compatible!',
              'Hackable!',
              'HiDPI!',
              '&amp;mdash; addict',
              '3D printed!',
              'Federated!',
              'Chitinous!',
              'is this a bedbuge?',
              'is this buge trans gener?',
              'Now in HD!',
              'Hard Disk Drive!',
              '"Tablet or smartphone device"',
              'Free Palestine!',
              'COUNTER',
              'TUEADAY',
              'PLACEHIM',
              'UPSIDEDOWN',
              'RGB',
              'BLAHAJ',
              '@BEAT',
              'HALO',
              'LIKECARPET'
            );
            break;
        }
        $cap = $captions[array_rand($captions)];
        if($_GET['caption']) {
          $cap = $captions[$_GET['caption']];
        }
        $tit = $cap;
        if(!$seasonal) {
          switch($cap) {
            case 'COUNTER':
              $num = (int) filter_var(file_get_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt"), FILTER_SANITIZE_NUMBER_INT);
              $num++;
              file_put_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt", $num);
              $cap = "This caption has been viewed $num times!";
              $tit = "This title has been viewed $num times!";
              break;
            case 'TUEADAY':
              $day = array("suday", "moday", "tueaday", "weaday", "thuday", "friaday", "satuaday")[date('w')];
              $cap = "wait it's fucking $day. god.";
              $tit = $cap;
              echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('/old/1/images/$day.png');}</style>";
              break;
            case 'PLACEHIM':
              $cap = 'place him on your site immediately';
              $tit = $cap;
              echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('images/place_him.png');}</style>";
              break;
            case 'BLAHAJ':
              $cap = '<img id="blahaj" src="images/blahaj.png"> <a href="https://berrymot.github.io/">certified</a> Good Website by blåhaj';
              $tit = "certified Good Website by blåhaj";
              echo "<style type='text/css'>#blahaj { animation: spin 5s linear infinite; height: 1em; } @keyframes spin { from { transform: rotate(0deg); } to { transform: rotate(360deg); } } @media (prefers-reduced-motion) { #blahaj { animation: none; } }</style>";
              break;
            case 'Kind of dragon free!':
              $cap = '<span class="minecraftsplash">Kind of dragon free!</span>';
              break;
            case 'UPSIDEDOWN':
              $cap = '<span class="flipped">Upside Down!</span>';
              $tit = '¡uʍop ǝpısdn';
              break;
            case 'RGB':
              $cap = '<span class="rainbowtext">RGB Gaming Webpage</span>';
              $tit = 'RGB Gaming Webpage';
              break;
            case '@BEAT':
              $cap = '<a href="/stuff/beat/">@'.date("B").'</a>';
              $tit = '@'.date("B");
              break;
            case 'HALO':
              $cap = '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N14uA0EhBAU">coke and fries halo</a>';
              $tit = 'coke and fries halo';
              break;
            case 'LIKECARPET':
              $cap = 'Check it out, I\'m in the <span class="house">house</span> like carpet';
              $tit = 'Check it out, I\'m in the house like carpet';
              break;
          }
        }
      }
    ?>
    <title><?php if($tit) { echo "isopod.cool v3 - $tit"; } else { echo "isopod.cool v3"; } ?></title>
    <meta name="description" content="real life isopod">
  </head>
  <body>
  <?php include('nav.php'); bg(true, 11, "Pictured: The eponymous Deep Twisty"); ?>
    <main>
      <div>
        <h1 style="margin-top: 0;">isopod dot cool<sup>v3.1</sup></h1>
        <h2 id="caption"><?php echo $cap; ?></h2>
      </div>
      <?php
        $username = "niceopod"; // Your username here!
        $ch = curl_init("https://status.cafe/users/$username/status.json");

        curl_setopt($ch, CURLOPT_RETURNTRANSFER, true);
        curl_setopt($ch, CURLOPT_HEADER, 0);

        $str = curl_exec($ch);
        if(curl_error($ch)) {
          //echo curl_error($ch);
          $str = "";
        }
        curl_close($ch);
        $status_data = json_decode($str, true);
        $status_content = $status_data["content"];
        $face = $status_data["face"];
        $timeago = $status_data["timeAgo"];
        if(strlen($status_content) < 1) {
          $status_content = "Something's gone wrong server side...";
        }
        echo "<figure class='quote'><blockquote id='statuscafe'><div id='statuscafe-username'><a href='https://status.cafe/users/$username' target='_blank'>status</a> $face $timeago</div><div id='statuscafe-content'>$status_content</div></blockquote></figure>";
      ?>
      <nav id="webrings">
        <div style="font-family: sans-serif; font-weight: bold;">
          <a href="https://hotlinewebring.club/bathynomus/previous" style="color: white; text-decoration: none;">←</a>
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        </div>
        <div>
          <a href="https://melonland.net/surf-club.html" style="color: #ff74ff;"><span style="color: #e7ad59;">melon</span><span style="color: #c0ea32;">ring</span></a>
          <a href="https://brain.melonking.net/surf-club-random" style="color: #ff74ff;"><span style="color: #864cff;">?</span></a>
        </div>
        <div>
          <a href="https://webring.bucketfish.me/redirect.html?to=prev&name=isopod" class="bflink">⥼</a>
          <a href="https://webring.bucketfish.me" id="bucketfish"><span style="--n:-10000ms;">b</span><span style="--n:-9900ms;">u</span><span style="--n:-9800ms;">c</span><span style="--n:-9700ms;">k</span><span style="--n:-9600ms;">e</span><span style="--n:-9500ms;">t</span><span style="--n:-9400ms;"> </span><span style="--n:-9300ms;">w</span><span style="--n:-9200ms;">e</span><span style="--n:-9100ms;">b</span><span style="--n:-9000ms;">r</span><span style="--n:-8900ms;">i</span><span style="--n:-8800ms;">n</span><span style="--n:-8700ms;">g</span></a>
          <a href="https://webring.bucketfish.me/redirect.html?to=next&name=isopod" class="bflink">⥽</a>
        </div>
        <div>
          <a href="https://fediring.net/previous?host=isopod.cool">←</a>
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          <a href="https://fediring.net/random">?</a>
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        </div>
        <div>
          <a href="https://baccyflap.com/noai/?prv&s=ipd">←</a>
          <a href="https://baccyflap.com/noai">no AI webring</a>
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          <a href="https://baccyflap.com/noai/?nxt&s=ipd">→</a>
        </div>
      </nav>
      <div class="buttons">
        <img src="etc/buttons/isopodhours.png" alt="isopod hours">
        <a target="_blank" href="https://deeptwisty.com/"><img src="etc/buttons/deeptwisty_button.png" alt="deep twisty"></a>
      </div>
      <!--script type="text/javascript">document.write('<a href="desktop.html">$login<span class="blinking" >_</span></a>');</script-->
    </main>
    
    <div id="guys">
      <a target="_blank" href="https://dokodemo.neocities.org/" title="made by Dokodemo"><img alt="An isopod!" src="images/isopod3.png"></a>
      <a target="_blank" href="https://lu.tiny-universes.net" title="hi, i'm kevin!"><img alt="Kevin" src="images/plant1-2.png"></a>
      <a target="_blank" href="https://newlambda.neocities.org/stuff/adopt" title="benlet"><img alt="benlet" src="images/benlet1.png" style="width: 32px; image-rendering: pixelated;"></a>
      <a target="_blank" href="https://www.pixelcatsend.com/profile&id=3734" title="Shadow"><img alt="Shadow" src="images/shadow.png" style="image-rendering: pixelated;"></a>
      <a target="_blank" href="https://tarraxahum.neocities.org/adopt/adopt_center" title="french fry"><img alt="french fry" src="images/fry.png" style="height: 2rem;"></a>
      <a target="_blank" href="https://kelpeater.neocities.org/collections/isopods" title="Another isopod!"><img alt="Another isopod!" src="images/casiopea_isopod.png" style="height: 4rem;"></a>
      <a target="_blank" href="https://shroom.ink/decay/adopt-a-shroom/" title="Ophiocordyceps Unilateralis"><img alt="Ophiocordyceps Unilateralis" src="images/Ophiocordyceps_unilateralis.png" style="height: 4rem;"></a>
    </div>
    <div id="bubblecolumn"></div>
    <?php
      if(date("w") == "5" && rand(0, 9) == 4) {
        $ind = rand(1,2);
        $filename = "images/flatworm friday $ind.mp4";
        echo "<div id='flatwormfriday' style='position: absolute;left: 0;right: 0;top: 0;bottom: 0;background: #000000cc;display: flex;justify-content: center;align-items: center;'><video controls=''><source src='$filename' type='video/mp4'>It's Flatworm Friday! Your browser does not support the video tag.</video><span style='position: absolute; left: 1rem; bottom: 1rem;'>Refresh the page to close this</span></div>";
      }
    ?>
    <script src="wimpod.js"></script>
  </body>
</html>