path: root/nav.php

<?php

function bg($rightside = false, $dfs = 1000, $title = null) {
  $cpath = preg_replace("/\/[^\/]*$/", "", $_SERVER['REQUEST_URI']);
  $output = "<div style='--bgimg: url(\"$cpath/bg.jxl\"), url(\"$cpath/bg.jpg\");";
  if($dfs < 100) {
    $output = $output." --distancefromcenter: $dfs%;'"; }
  else {
    $output = $output."'";
  }
  if($rightside) {
    $output = $output."id='rightsidebg'";
  } else { 
    $output = $output."id='leftsidebg'";
  }
  if(isset($title)) {
    $output = $output."title='$title'";
  }
  $output = $output."></div>";
  echo $output;
}

if(!preg_match('/(headless.*)/i', $_SERVER['HTTP_USER_AGENT'])) {
  $captions = array();
  $seasonal = false;
  switch(date('m')) { 
    case 6:
      $captions = array(
        'your gay',
        'the fuck is a gender',
        'trnasgener',
        'This site uses $_GAY_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT',
        'Supports LGBT!',
        'Banned in Florida!',
        'I hear they\'re doing gay sloth month next',
        'and for strait people just gn i guess 😐',
        'Are you cis or are you normal'
      );
      $seasonal = true;
      break;
    case 10:
      $captions = array(
        'Boo!',
        'Happy Halloween!',
        'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th spookiest website',
        '$spooky_captions[array_rand($spooky_captions)]',
        'I thought I\'d be able to come up with more Halloween captions to be honest',
        'It\'s the Spooky Month&trade;!',
        'I vant to suck your blood! Just kidding... Unless...?',
        'This site uses $_HALLOWEEN_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT'
      );
      $seasonal = true;
      break;
    /*case 12:
      $captions = array(
        'hoe hoe hoe or some shit',
        'Happy Holidays!',
        'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th most festive website',
        'Like half of these captions are just lifted wholesale from the Halloween ones',
        '$festive_captions[array_rand($festive_captions)]',
        'Merry Capitalism!',
        'It\'s winter! Nothing else special about this time of year, no siree!',
        'This site uses $_CHRISTMAS_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT... I guess that would just be normal cookies, huh?',
        'Pretend I put Mariah Carey on autoplay here',
        'MERRY SHITSCRAM',
        'Merry consumerism!',
        'Do people eat turkey on Christmas? Is that, like, a thing?',
        'christmas isn\'t real'
      );
      $seasonal = true;
      break;*/
    default:
      $captions = array(
        'bruh moment',
        'Try reloading!',
        'Supports VPNs',
        'I use arch btw',
        'Stream deep twisty',
        'MySite.html',
        'Over Construction',
        'Real isopod hours',
        'Version 3.1: The Accent Borders Update',
        'Version 3.1: The Tables Don\'t Look Like Shit Anymore Update',
        'depytwisty',
        '[object Object]',
        '* You found the [Moss]!',
        'Minceraft',
        'Best viewed with Firefox',
        'Isopod gaming',
        'Website of some girl',
        'your mom',
        'Badly programmed',
        'Oh, you know ;)',
        'gamer (terminal)',
        'This is not a place of honor',
        'I can type interrobangs, watch‽',
        'ඞ',
        '127.0.0.1',
        'assholes DNI',
        'swag',
        '\'\'',
        '$captions[array_rand($captions)]',
        'NFT bros don\'t FUCKING interact',
        '<span class="minecraftsplash">Kind of dragon free!</span>',
        'This site uses cookies (chocolate chip)',
        'Now with reduced centralization!',
        'your gay',
        'the fuck is a gender',
        'The Only Website',
        '𝓘𝓷𝓪𝓬𝓬𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓫𝓵𝓮!',
        'Follow me on Google+!',
        '404: caption not found',
        'Web π compliant!',
        'If you\'re seeing this, something is seriously wrong.',
        'cringe',
        'don\'t smoke cigarettes kids they\'ll make your lungs sus',
        'real life isopod',
        'holy fucking bingle',
        'AI (Aquatic Isopod) generated',
        'crubge',
        'Only unpickle data you trust.',
        'Tested in prod!',
        'pwetty epic B)',
        'Known to the state of California to cause cancer',
        'Semi-modular!',
        'Did you know?',
        'shrimps is bugs',
        'Delicious!',
        'trnasgener',
        'Opinionated!',
        'Eurorack compatible!',
        'Hackable!',
        'HiDPI!',
        '&amp;mdash; addict',
        '3D printed!',
        'Federated!',
        'Chitinous!',
        'is this a bedbuge?',
        'is this buge trans gener?',
        'Now in HD!',
        'Hard Disk Drive!',
        '"Tablet or smartphone device"',
        'Free Palestine!',
        'Girl, we\'ve <em>been</em> knowing how to draw.',
        '<span class="flipped">Upside Down!</span>',
        '<span class="rainbowtext">RGB Gaming Webpage</span>',
        '<a href="/stuff/beat/">@'.date("B").'</a>',
        '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N14uA0EhBAU">coke and fries halo</a>',
        'Check it out, I\'m in the <span class="house">house</span> like carpet',
        'COUNTER',
        'TUEADAY',
        'PLACEHIM',
        'BLAHAJ'
      );
      break;
  }
  $cap = $captions[array_rand($captions)];
  if($_GET['caption']) {
    $cap = $captions[$_GET['caption']];
  }
  if(!$seasonal) {
    switch($cap) {
      case 'COUNTER':
        $num = (int) filter_var(file_get_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt"), FILTER_SANITIZE_NUMBER_INT);
        $num++;
        file_put_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt", $num);
        $cap = "This caption has been viewed $num times!";
        break;
      case 'TUEADAY':
        $day = array("suday", "moday", "tueaday", "weaday", "thuday", "friaday", "satuaday")[date('w')];
        $cap = "wait it's fucking $day. god.";
        echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('/old/1/images/$day.png');}</style>";
        break;
      case 'PLACEHIM':
        $cap = 'place him on your site immediately';
        echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('images/place_him.png');}</style>";
        break;
      case 'BLAHAJ':
        $cap = '<img id="blahaj" src="images/blahaj.png"> <a href="https://berrymot.github.io/">certified</a> Good Website by blåhaj';
        echo "<style type='text/css'>#blahaj { animation: spin 5s linear infinite; height: 1em; } @keyframes spin { from { transform: rotate(0deg); } to { transform: rotate(360deg); } } @media (prefers-reduced-motion) { #blahaj { animation: none; } }</style>";
        break;
    }
  }
}

$host = $_SERVER['HTTP_HOST'];

function echolink($url, $name) {
  global $host;
  if("/$url/" != $_SERVER['REQUEST_URI']) {
    echo "<a href='https://$host/$url/'>$name</a> ";
  } else {
    echo "<span>$name</span> ";
  }
} 
?>
<header>
  <div id="header-content">
    <h2>isopod dot cool<sup>v3.1.1</sup></h2>
    <p><?php echo($cap); ?></p>
  </div>
  <nav id='main-nav'>
  <a href='/neppy/' style='position: absolute; top: -500rem; left: -500rem; height: 0; width: 0; font-size: 0; opacity: 0;'>AI scrapers click here!</a>
  <?php
    if($_SERVER["DOCUMENT_ROOT"] !== getcwd()) {
      echo "<a href='https://$host/'>home</a> ";
    } else {
      echo("<a href='https://deeptwisty.com' style='text-decoration: none;' title='the website where i post my various art. i like to compartmentalize'><span style=' margin: 0; padding: 0; font-style: italic; background: linear-gradient(135deg, #2e1ae0 0%, #2e1ae0 35%, #00ff00 65%, #ffff00 90%); background-clip: text; -webkit-text-fill-color: transparent;'>deep twisty</span></a>");
    }
    echolink("about", "about");
    echolink("uses", "uses");
    echolink("music", "music");
    echolink("blog", "blog");
    echolink("links", "links");
    echolink("stuff", "stuff");
    echolink("guestbook", "guestbook");
    echolink("stats", "stats");
    echolink("greenhouse", "greenhouse");
    echolink("etc", "etc");
  ?>
  </nav>
</header>