THE BIG ONE

Total website redesign.
Multiple new blog posts.
Routine updates on several pages.
Too much to list, even if I remembered it all.
Remind me not to put this git repo on any portfolios.

1 files changed, 227 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/header.php b/header.php
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..02f862c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/header.php
@@ -0,0 +1,227 @@
+<?php
+if(!preg_match('/(headless.*)/i', $_SERVER['HTTP_USER_AGENT'])) {
+  $captions = array();
+  $seasonal = false;
+  switch(date('m')) { 
+    case 6:
+      $captions = array(
+        'your gay',
+        'the fuck is a gender',
+        'trnasgener',
+        'This site uses $_GAY_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT',
+        'Supports LGBT!',
+        'Banned in Florida!',
+        'I hear they\'re doing gay sloth month next',
+        'and for strait people just gn i guess 😐',
+        'Are you cis or are you normal'
+      );
+      $seasonal = true;
+      break;
+    case 10:
+      $captions = array(
+        'Boo!',
+        'Happy Halloween!',
+        'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th spookiest website',
+        '$spooky_captions[array_rand($spooky_captions)]',
+        'I thought I\'d be able to come up with more Halloween captions to be honest',
+        'It\'s the Spooky Month&trade;!',
+        'I vant to suck your blood! Just kidding... Unless...?',
+        'This site uses $_HALLOWEEN_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT',
+        'YOUR TAKING TOO LONG'
+      );
+      $seasonal = true;
+      break;
+    /*case 12:
+      $captions = array(
+        'hoe hoe hoe or some shit',
+        'Happy Holidays!',
+        'World\'s ' . rand(1, 1000000) . 'th most festive website',
+        'Like half of these captions are just lifted wholesale from the Halloween ones',
+        '$festive_captions[array_rand($festive_captions)]',
+        'Merry Capitalism!',
+        'It\'s winter! Nothing else special about this time of year, no siree!',
+        'This site uses $_CHRISTMAS_THEMED_COOKIE_EQUIVALENT... I guess that would just be normal cookies, huh?',
+        'Pretend I put Mariah Carey on autoplay here',
+        'MERRY SHITSCRAM',
+        'Merry consumerism!',
+        'Do people eat turkey on Christmas? Is that, like, a thing?',
+        'christmas isn\'t real'
+      );
+      $seasonal = true;
+      break;*/
+    default:
+      $captions = array(
+        'bruh moment',
+        'Try reloading!',
+        'Supports VPNs',
+        'I use arch btw',
+        'Stream deep twisty',
+        'Over Construction',
+        'It is currently real isopod hours',
+        '[object Object]',
+        '* You found the [Moss]!',
+        'Best viewed with Firefox',
+        'Website of some girl',
+        'Badly programmed',
+        'Oh, you know ;)',
+        'gamer (terminal)',
+        'This is not a place of honor',
+        'I can type interrobangs, watch‽',
+        'ඞ',
+        '127.0.0.1',
+        'assholes DNI',
+        'swag',
+        '\'\'',
+        '$captions[array_rand($captions)]',
+        'NFT bros don\'t FUCKING interact',
+        '<span class="minecraftsplash">Kind of dragon free!</span>',
+        'This site uses cookies (chocolate chip)',
+        'Now with reduced centralization!',
+        'your gay',
+        'the fuck is a gender',
+        'One Of The Websites',
+        '𝓘𝓷𝓪𝓬𝓬𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓫𝓵𝓮!',
+        'Follow me on Google+!',
+        '404: caption not found',
+        'Web π compliant!',
+        'If you\'re seeing this, something is seriously wrong.',
+        'cringe',
+        'don\'t smoke cigarettes kids they\'ll make your lungs sus',
+        'real life isopod',
+        'holy fucking bingle',
+        'AI (Aquatic Isopod) generated',
+        'crubge',
+        'Only unpickle data you trust.',
+        'string(15) "Tested in prod!"',
+        'pwetty epic B)',
+        'Known to the state of California to cause cancer',
+        'Semi-modular!',
+        'Did you know?',
+        'shrimps is bugs',
+        'Delicious!',
+        'trnasgener',
+        'Opinionated!',
+        'Eurorack compatible!',
+        'Hackable!',
+        'HiDPI!',
+        '&amp;mdash; addict',
+        '3D printed!',
+        'Federated!',
+        'Chitinous!',
+        'is this a bedbuge?',
+        'is this buge trans gener?',
+        'Now in HD!',
+        'Hard Disk Drive!',
+        '"Tablet or smartphone device"',
+        'Free Palestine!',
+        'Girl, we\'ve <em>been</em> knowing how to draw.',
+        '<span class="flipped">Upside Down!</span>',
+        '<span class="rainbowtext">RGB Gaming Webpage</span>',
+        'It\'s <a href="/stuff/beat/">@'.date("B").'</a>. Do you know where your children are?',
+        '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N14uA0EhBAU">coke and fries halo</a>',
+        'Check it out, I\'m in the <span class="house">house</span> like carpet',
+        'Ordered dithering!',
+        'thats so weirdcore liminal analogue horror backrooms scp',
+        'steals your data! gives you virus!',
+        'this is where the funny randomly selected messages would go',
+        'a8e!',
+        'Better than Version 3.2 Gen 2x2!',
+        'Partially responsive!',
+        'On E since 2026/01/10!',
+        #'COUNTER',
+        'TUEADAY'
+        #'PLACEHIM',
+      );
+      break;
+  }
+  $cap = $captions[array_rand($captions)];
+  if($_GET['caption']) {
+    $cap = $captions[$_GET['caption']];
+  }
+  if(!$seasonal) {
+    switch($cap) {
+      case 'COUNTER':
+        $num = (int) filter_var(file_get_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt"), FILTER_SANITIZE_NUMBER_INT);
+        $num++;
+        file_put_contents($datadir."caption_views.txt", $num);
+        $cap = "This caption has been viewed $num times!";
+        break;
+      case 'TUEADAY':
+        $day = array("suday", "moday", "tueaday", "weaday", "thuday", "friaday", "satuaday")[date('w')];
+        $cap = "wait it's fucking $day. god.";
+        echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('/old/1/images/$day.png');}</style>";
+        break;
+      case 'PLACEHIM':
+        $cap = 'place him on your site immediately';
+        echo "<style type='text/css'>:root{--h1-image:url('images/place_him.png');}</style>";
+        break;
+    }
+  }
+}
+
+$host = $_SERVER['HTTP_HOST'];
+
+function echolink($url, $name) {
+  global $host;
+  if("/$url" != $_SERVER['REQUEST_URI']) {
+    echo "<li><a href='https://$host/$url'>$name</a></li>";
+  } else {
+    echo "<li>$name</li> ";
+  }
+}
+?>
+
+<header>
+  <input type="checkbox" name="nav-checkbox-hack" id="nav-checkbox-hack" style="display: none;">
+  <div class="headerbar">
+    <h1>isopod.cool<sup>v4</sup></h1>
+    <div>
+      <img src="https://isopod.cool/images/landing.png" alt="isopod.cool v4">
+    </div>
+    <p><?php echo($cap); ?></p>
+  </div>
+  <label class="burgermenu bm-open" for="nav-checkbox-hack">
+    <svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 24 24" stroke-width="1.5" stroke="currentColor" class="size-6">
+      <path stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" d="M3.75 6.75h16.5M3.75 12h16.5m-16.5 5.25h16.5" />
+    </svg>
+  </label>
+  <div id="nav-darkened-background-kludge"><!--noscript--><label for="nav-checkbox-hack" style="display: block; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></label><!--/noscript--></div>
+  <nav>
+    <div id="header-inside-corner-kludge"></div>
+    <label class="burgermenu bm-close" for="nav-checkbox-hack">
+      <svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 24 24" stroke-width="1.5" stroke="currentColor" class="size-6">
+        <path stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" d="M6 18 18 6M6 6l12 12" />
+      </svg>
+    </label>
+    <a style="position: absolute; top: -500rem; left: -500rem; height: 0; width: 0; font-size: 0; opacity: 0;" href="https://isopod.cool/neppy/">AI scrapers click here!</a>
+    <label></label>
+    <ul>
+      <?php
+        echolink("", "home");
+        echolink("me/", "me");
+        echolink("meta/", "meta");
+        echolink("uses/", "uses");
+        echolink("blog/", "blog");
+      ?>
+    </ul>
+    <hr>
+    <ul>
+      <?php
+        echolink("notes/", "notes");
+        echolink("links/", "links");
+        echolink("greenhouse/", "greenhouse");
+        echolink("music/", "⚠️music");
+      ?>
+    </ul>
+    <hr>
+    <ul>
+      <?php
+        echolink("stats/", "stats");
+        echolink("guestbook/", "guestbook");
+        echolink("stuff/", "⚠️stuff");
+      ?>
+    </ul>
+  </nav>
+
+  <span class="bubblecolumn"></span>
+</header>
\ No newline at end of file